Wanting
by CloudxKadajLover
Summary: Cloud wants someone for reasons he can't explain, but doesn't realize the consequences that he will regret for the rest of his life. CloudxKadaj, rated M for....well what do you think? XD First time trying out this type of thing, so be easy on me!


HOLY CHRIST! XD This took so long for me to type up for some reason...anyway, here I am trying to read one my books for English, but NO i had to get attacked by a CxK story bunny!! Anyway, this story is based off a poem Katie wrote, which I'll put at the end. And this is my first rated M story! Dunno if that's a good or bad thing...anyway, it's kinda sad, but I'm surprised I got all this out from a short poem. Anyway, obviously BIG YAOI ALERT and hope you all enjoy!!!

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The blonde swordsman could not, even now, understand why he had done it. It was wrong……it was _stupid_ even……but he couldn't contain himself. Even this surprised him, as he was usually pretty good with hiding his emotions. Was it because the emotions he had felt for the beautiful teenager were too strong? So strong that Cloud couldn't ignore them, and if he tried to they ate at him hungrily, refusing to be cast aside. It wasn't until after the emotions left him he felt the regret and the shame of what he had done. He would never be able to forgive himself. 

That faithful day when the solider met Kadaj face to face at the Forgotten City was where it all started. The youngest remnant was gorgeous, more than words could ever explain. Cloud couldn't help but admire him for his appearance, even if he was supposed to be his enemy. That simple attraction turned into an obsession, and the spiky haired man started feeling things that he shouldn't have about the cat eyed youth. He fought against them at first- but after awhile his resistance left him. He let the emotions consume him, and then he went off, looking for the teen within the enchanted forest.

He didn't find him, but simply waited in a small area by a lake. The entire time he sat there, yelling to himself to get up and leave now, and forget about his silly feelings. But the determined man did not move from his spot and remained where he was, his heart pounding within his chest.

Soon enough, Cloud heard rustling behind him and turned to see the platinum haired youth emerge from the bushes, with a smirk on his face. His expression wasn't one of anger however- it was one of curiosity.

"What are you doing here, Niisan? You honestly didn't think you could wonder around here and not run into one of us did you?"

The delivery man shook his head and noticed with surprise that Kadaj didn't attempt to take Souba out. He was grateful for it but then again, he wasn't- it would have stopped him from doing what he would regret later.

"You didn't even bring your sword."

"I didn't come to fight."

A surprised look came onto the beauty's face as he raised an eyebrow.

"Oh?"

The sound of his voice and the look on his face as he said the simple word was enough for the blonde. Getting up, he grabbed the youth's arms and pressed his lips against the teen's. Turquoise eyes widened in shock at what was occurring. However, he wasn't sure exactly _what_ was happening and why, and his confusion prevented him from fighting against his Niisan. After a moment, Cloud broke away but before Kadaj could say anything he cut off by another kiss. It was sweet and gentle, and almost made the puppet want to melt. He closed his eyes and gave in to the warm comfort that now surrounded him as the swordsman wrapped his arms around him, pulling him against his strong body.

Cloud was a bit more than surprised that Kadaj wasn't pulling away from him at all. If anything, he seemed to _like _what was happening, as he was slowly kissing him back. But the shock wore off as that damned emotion replaced it, and after a few moments of gentle kissing, the blonde pulled the teen onto the ground. Settling himself on top of him, he placed his lips over the other's once again, more demanding this time. Running his tongue over the peach lips, he was finally allowed entry into the remnant's mouth. Kadaj did nothing to stop him, if anything, encouraged him as he pulled the blonde against him. While all the things he was feeling right now were new to him, they felt good and he did not want to end this if he didn't have to.

Cloud's mind seemed to have gone completely blank and it was as though some other force was controlling him as he pulled the teen's clothing off, tasting the smooth, milky skin of the rebel's neck and chest. He felt his own shirt being removed, and shortly after, felt pale hands messing with his zipper. He complied with the wanting youth's silent requests, tossing his clothing aside. Time seemed to speed by; after what felt like minutes, he was already inside the rebel who was writhing beneath him. Their surroundings seemed to fade away as the swordsman heard nothing but the teen's moans and occasional cries of ecstasy as the older man hit something sensitive inside him. He was even oblivious to his own sounds of pleasure. Then suddenly they both cried out as they came, the spent youth collapsing back onto the ground. The delivery man felt slightly dizzy as he recalled what had just happened. Pulling out of the tired teen, he got up and put his clothes back on. Kadaj followed suit shortly after, but didn't leave- instead, he made himself comfortable leaning on Cloud's chest and fell asleep. The blue-eyed man didn't have the heart to move him so he gently stroked the teen's silver locks before sleep claimed him.

When he woke up the next morning, Kadaj wasn't there sleeping on his chest. It wasn't a surprise, but he couldn't help but feel a bit lonely. Pushing this matter aside, he got off from the ground and continued toward the church. There. He had gotten what he wanted and now could continue on with his dwindling life normally. It was almost funny how wrong he was.

A couple days later the silver haired youth came into the church, twisting his fingers as though nervous. Cloud was surprised, but had an idea why Kadaj had decided to visit him. The apprehensive teen approached the blonde cautiously, as though not sure if his presence was welcomed or not. When Cloud did nothing to suggest he wanted Kadaj to leave, the teen relaxed some and walked right up to the swordsman. His eyes met the opposing blue ones in a steady gaze.

"Niisan…….why did you…."

Not knowing exactly what it was, the confused teen trailed off. Feeling guilty, Cloud sighed and shook his head.

"I don't know."

"But why-"

"Why did you let me?"

Kadaj blinked at the question, and thought for a moment. He couldn't think of any other reason than that it felt good. Whatever feeling that was, it seemed to take away any worries or doubts that the teen had about his life. It took him away from his harsh reality……something he thought he could never escape from.

"Because……I…I liked it."

Cerulean eyes stared at the remnant who was now looking at the floor. He saw there was a light blush present on Kadaj's cheeks.

"I've never felt that way before. I don't even know what it is, but…."

He looked up and Cloud saw something in his eyes that he was almost afraid he would see.

"You made me feel like I'm worth something. That I even mean something……and that I'm not just someone's puppet to play around with."

There was so much meaning behind those words that the swordsman couldn't deny him. At least not now. He moved closer to the teen and kissed him again, not knowing he was just making the situation worse. The events that happened two nights ago repeated, and even now Cloud was starting to feel for the beautiful youth, something besides lust.

Kadaj kept returning to see him, and the blonde knew why. The young remnant didn't have to worry about his future when he was with him. He thought maybe he could change it if he stayed with swordsman. He kept coming back because he felt for the first time in his short life that someone loved him for who he was and he didn't want to let go of that comfort. And for awhile, Cloud didn't want to either. But his fate, along with the teen's, was inevitable. They weren't meant to be. They weren't _supposed_ to be. They were supposed to be enemies, not lovers. Even if they wanted to be together, it would be nearly impossible with the other two brothers around, not including the fact that the blonde had geostingma and would die anyway, leaving Kadaj on his own. He didn't want that.

After a few more weeks, Cloud did something he didn't want to do, but had to. He had to make things right. The youth had come to the church for the umpteenth time, almost happily, but his expression dropped when he saw the serious look the blonde had on his face.

"Kadaj…..we can't do this anymore."

"What are you-"

"You know what I'm talking about. We're not…..meant to be."

The teen felt as though everything he had known had slapped him in the face.

"You mean everything that's happened between us has meant nothing to you?"

"No, that's not what-"

"So everything's been a lie? You figured you could just screw around with me a few times and then cast me aside?"

The swordsman stared at the furious teen, and his heart broke. He was expecting something like this, but it didn't stop it from hurting.

"That's not it at all! You mean everything to me, but this isn't going to work! No matter if we tried, there's just-"

"You think I didn't know that this might not work out? Of course I knew! But I didn't care and-"

Kadaj stopped for a moment, trying to keep the moisture that had formed in his eyes from falling. He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"…..I thought it wouldn't matter to you. I thought…..you….."

He didn't need to finish his sentence, as the tears in his eyes spoke for him. Cloud looked upon the youth sorrowfully, feeling even worse than he did before. He reached out to him but Kadaj took a step back, avoiding the touch.

"Kadaj, please, I-"

"NO! Just say it! You don't want me here, you don't-"

"It's not that-"

"I can't believe I trusted you! I even thought I loved you…"

Shocked, those words pierced the blonde like a sword. He felt the teen's pain and it was almost unbearable. He wanted to take his words back, but it was too late. He had already hurt Kadaj past the point of return. The angry youth would never love him again- and he deserved it.

"…..I hate you."

The remnant spat these words coldly at the spiky haired man, and by the fierce glare he gave him, Cloud knew he meant it.

"Do you hear me? I HATE YOU!"

With that final yell, Kadaj spun around and stormed off, slamming the church doors open as he did so. The quiet man only stood where he was, the teen's yell still echoing in his head. The next moment he let himself fall to the ground, trying to prevent his own tears from falling. He had something good…and he had ruined it. Betrayed it. All for the sake of making things 'right'. He never thought right could feel so horribly wrong.

After that, things went on as they were meant to be. Through all the fights they had, the turquoise eyed remnant glared furiously at the blonde and fought against him as hard as he could. It led to his downfall, and even he was a bit surprised as his former lover caught him, cradling him on his arm. He looked sadly up at the beautiful man, silently forgiving him. He had freed him from his mother, and now he could die in peace.

"Niisan….."

He couldn't bring himself to say more, but Cloud seemed to understand, as he looked back at him with an apologetic expression. There was so much the regretful solider wanted to say, but the words were caught in his throat. Maybe it would be better if he didn't say them……he didn't want to trouble Kadaj anymore than he already had.

Now, a few months after Kadaj's death, the blonde could not be at peace with himself. He should have never went into the Forgotten City looking for the teen in the first place, he was stupid for letting his feelings ride over his judgment. But besides that fact, even if he knew there was a very small chance of a relationship working out between them, he _could_ have tried. Kadaj did……and even if he died, he died knowing that he at least tried to change things for himself. As for the youth admitting he loved him, Cloud was never really sure if he loved him too. He told himself he did, but it could of just been wanting. It was probably the same with Kadaj, as he didn't really know what love was. But now that he was gone, there was no use in wanting him anymore- the blonde was only wanting something he couldn't have.

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Not much to say about this...except if you expecting this LONG DRAWN OUT sex scene, well, too bad:P I haven't quite gotten to typing that out just yet!!!! Anyway, hope you liked, worked hard for only like four pages...so plz leave me a review! And here's the poem Katie wrote that this is based off of (Sorry Katie!! XD) : 

You're all I ever think about.

You're all I ever dream about.

I want you more than anything else.

But I'm only wanting what I can't have.

I can't keep fighting this temptation.

I'm not supposed to feel this way.

But I can't control the way you make me feel.

I want to tear your clothes right off.

And wipe the smirk off your pretty face.

I want to fuck you hard and fast.

And make you beg and plead.

I can't just let go of you yet.

I won't let you be a memory just yet.

If I lose you now I'll lose you forever.

You're all I ever think about.

You're all I ever dream about.

I want you more than anything else.

But I'm only wanting what I can't have.

Hee hee. Because of that ALL CREDIT goes to Katie for the creation of this fic!!! Anyway, leave me a review!!!


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